By Sophia Yakumithis

In an age of perpetually heightened stress, where we don’t work from home but rather are “living at work,” a week-long break feels more needed than ever.

Unless you are somehow avoiding reality — in which case I strongly envy you — you know most colleges and universities opted to cancel their spring breaks this year due to COVID-19’s travel restrictions. Big sigh.

While I support this decision from a public health standpoint, I don’t support it from a college-student-mental-health standpoint. I’m not taking classes in person, nor am I living on campus. But, simply knowing that for one, glorious week in March I wouldn’t have to stare at my face on a tiny screen all day or have academic obligations? That opportunity sounds f—ing euphoric, and I want you to try and tell me otherwise.

Because they’re always respectful and generous when it comes to financial needs because of their exorbitant costs, to throw us a bone, Boston University announced students will receive two “Wellness Days” this semester. That’s right: a whopping two days. No academic work, no classes and no exams. Sounds good, right? That is until you realize these two days already exist, happen every week and are called “Saturday” and “Sunday.”

I pray you do have classes on Wednesdays and Thursdays because if you don’t, the two days off don’t even apply to you. But if you’re like one of my free-to-be pals out here and looking to use those two days to have the most baller, makeshift Spring Recess ever, I’ve got some tips on how to make the most of it.

Well, buddy, I’m gonna suggest you spend these days reviewing grammar and maybe taking a few spelling tests.

But for everyone else, don’t let the no-week-off thing harsh your mellow. Bring Daytona to YOU. Load up on sombreros, shot glasses with corny one-liners printed on them and hunker down on an indoor Slip-n-Slide for a crazy “darty” for you and the mice who lurk under your fridge. Scatter a bunch of already cracked glow sticks on your carpeted floor, and feel free to do the same with used condoms — you know, for garnish. And if you’re still sober by 11 a.m., consider changing that. After all, it’s happy hour somewhere, so strap on your trusty drinking hat and start chugging some good ol’ brewskies.

This is a Wellness Day, right? And nothing is better for your brain cells and internal organs than getting plastered in the comfort of your own $1,200 a month, 350-foot Allston studio with typhoid-carrying rodents. And for added spring break vacay vibes, feel free to load up your bathtub with a bunch of smashed Four Loko cans and sea turtle toys with plastic bags wrapped around their cute little heads!

But if contracting STIs while cross-faded and killing endangered species in Florida isn’t what you had in mind for a random week in March, there are alternative ways to make the most of those two days off. For those looking for something a little tamer, choosing a nice movie and ordering pizza will do.

Wellness doesn’t exist anymore, so do with those two days what you need to survive. I’ll be sitting in the same bed I attend Zoom classes in, watching garbage on the same screen I view Zoom classes on because that’s all I’m capable of right now.