By Sophia Yakumithis
Aries (March 21 to April 19)
Congrats! You will receive your first dose of the COVID-19 vaccine this month, along with genital herpes. The two are unrelated, though.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20)
The most amazing things seem to happen when you least expect it, so don’t be surprised when you stumble upon your soulmate while being airlifted out of a Denny’s.
Gemini (May 21 to June 20)
Everyone tells you you’re full of s—, but a crying episode for no apparent reason on the 20th will also leave you full of Ben & Jerry’s “Milk & Cookies.”
Cancer (June 21 to July 22)
The stars forgot about you this month, Cancer, so enjoy a very uneventful March.
Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22)
An embarrassing photo of you will resurface later this month, ruining all future job prospects. It will also make you forever bewildered as to why you thought riding a mechanical bull in a dress was a good idea.
Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)
Virgo, it’s time to sit down with your cat and tell them how you feel about them rubbing their anus all over the damn couch.
Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22)
You’ll finally have the “if the glove doesn’t fit” moment you’ve been waiting for when Twitter suspends your account for plagiarizing the poetry of Homer.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
Sometimes the truth is hard to hear, and this will be especially true on the 18th when your therapist screams at you to get a new therapist, making you partially deaf in one ear.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
This St. Patrick’s Day will be an interesting one for Sagittarius, who will — for reasons to be determined — find out just how flexible Leprechauns are.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
March is the month your high regard for eating world champion Joey Chestnut will finally manifest when you apply to Major League Eating. And yes, that’s a real thing.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
The one hoodie you’ve been wearing throughout quarantine will finally meet its maker after you match with the Target CEO on Tinder later this month.
Pisces (Feb. 19 to March 20)
Savor the sex you have on the 19th, Pisces, because it’ll be your last time ever.