By Thalia Lauzon

One day, the police will come knocking at my door with questions. I’ll end up having to answer and try not get arrested –– though, with my luck, I’ll fail. Why? Because I swear my hair is going to be found at some crime scene. 

But, please, do not arrest me. I didn’t do anything. Seriously. I’m way too lazy for whatever you think I did. 

The point is, my hair is going to get me into so much trouble one day. It falls out all the time, which is honestly concerning. There’s too much of it on my head and it gets everywhere. 

I had this problem at home, but I have hardwood floors which makes it easier to see where my hair drops to clean up. Now? I have dorm room carpeting that seems like it was designed to hide what’s on it –– from hair to centipedes. 

It’s gotten so bad that I’ve had to buy pet-grade fur lint rollers to pick up all my hair. Do you know how hilariously demeaning that is? 

Every Saturday, I’m on the ground of my dorm lint rolling the carpet and picking up a sadly extraordinary amount of hair. I go through at least four sheets –– usually more. 

I once ended up lint rolling underneath the vacant bed in my room and my hair was under there too. I don’t know how it got there or why there was a good amount of it because I don’t go over there at all. This is why I’m convinced my hair is going to end up at a crime scene. 

The amount of hair loss I have in a week should probably mean I’m balding, but I’m not. Somehow my hair isn’t thinning, but growing thicker. That –– along with how fast my hair grows –– means I’m having a lot of hair problems. 

A haircut might significantly help –– or at least decrease the mass of hair I lint roll. But, I haven’t gotten a haircut in a little over a year. I thought I cut it short enough for it not to grow back down to my hips in a year, but apparently not. 

I need to go shorter this time, but not too short that I’m looking in the mirror wondering, “What have I done?” More specifically, I need my hair to be long enough to act as a blanket on my neck because I get cold easily. So, where does that leave me? Probably around shoulder length. 

However, my next problem is when this can happen. Are hair places even open? Do I have the energy to actually book an appointment and go? I think these are valid questions. I don’t trust myself or anyone I know to cut my hair, so I’m stuck going to a business, but who knows if and when that can happen. 

I just want my hair to be easier to manage. Once I cut my hair, I can donate it –– if that’s still an option –– and have a lot more free time.

Whenever this happens, it will be supremely beneficial. One, I’ll have less hair to clean up and worry about getting stuck on my feet. Two, I’ll be using less shampoo and conditioner every week, so –– yay –– saving money and water. And three, my hair will get caught in significantly fewer places so I’ll have lowered risk of my DNA ending up at a crime scene.

All very good things.