By Emma Simonoff

My brother is seven years younger than I, which means when he was old enough to care about watching TV, I was young enough to keep watching kids shows but old enough to hate every second of it. Ten years later, here are my rankings of the shows he watched.

8. “Little Einsteins”

I find this show to be extremely disturbing. It was about four kids who went around the world in a red spaceship and learned about music. That’s fine, but here’s what gets me: they were the only humans in the entire show. How is that possible? Who birthed them? Am I supposed to believe these human children were being raised by a rocket ship? 

To make this universe even more horrifying, while there were animals on the show, they didn’t make animal noises. They opened their mouths and the sound of an instrument playing classical music came out. A dog opens its mouth and instead of a bark, it’s a flute? What kind of Earth is this? Where did all the people go? It’s troubling and I don’t like it at all.

7. “Super Why!”

To be honest with you, I don’t really remember what this show is about, I just remember that I wanted to claw my eyes out every time it aired on PBS KIDS. I think it was these superheroes called “Super Readers” who solved crimes or something? In my recollection, most of the saving had to do with spelling. What’s super about that? Bunch of nerds, if you ask me.

6. “Chuggington”

This show is just a less creepy rip-off of “Thomas and Friends.” It was fine. Pretty boring. Good theme song, though.

5. “Wild Kratts”

As a die-hard fan of “Zoboomafoo,” I really wanted to like this show. Unfortunately, it did not live up to its successor. Not to be ageist, but it was clearly only animated because the Kratt brothers were too old for TV. Old hacks.

4. “Dinosaur Train”

“Dinosaur Train” was cool when it started, but got old pretty quickly. It had this big mystery in which the main dino, Buddy, was trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur he was (because he was an orphan raised by a family of pteranodons). And that was just stupid, because anyone with eyes could tell Buddy was a T-rex. 

3. “Sid the Science Kid”

Sid and his friends knew how to have a good time. They were excited to go to school every day and I think that’s nice. Also, “Sid the Science Kid” was playing the first time I got my period, so it will always be a huge part of my life.

2. “Martha Speaks”

I could be biased because I read the books when I was little, but even if I hadn’t, I would’ve loved “Martha Speaks.” She’s a dog who talks because she eats alphabet soup. That’s just delightful. 

1. “Jane and the Dragon”

“Jane and the Dragon” was lit. I’m pretty sure I liked it more than my brother did. Jane was a princess whose best friend was a dragon. Feminist icon. I loved it. Might watch it now.