By Sophia Yakumithis

About two months ago, I wrote an article concerning my ass and debated whether or not walking compulsively around Boston would make it bigger. I’m sure anyone who reads my blogs was holding out for an update, so I’ve got some news that will help you sleep at night. 

I got that bounce. But hold the applause — I’m not happy about it.

As mentioned last time, this isn’t something I wanted to happen to me. I knew it was inevitable if I were to adopt a lifestyle of walking for upwards of two hours per day out of sheer boredom and anxiety. Because of that, my calves, thighs and booty have firmed up to an absurd degree.

When I left campus last month, I was expecting myself to do a lot less walking given I have a car at home I can take when I need to run errands. But I ended up overcompensating because I didn’t want my body to get confused, so now I walk about the same amount I did in Boston, but in suburban Ohio. That means my ass is still on the path to greatness.

Walking briskly is the kind of activity you can’t just remove from your daily routine once it’s been woven in. That’s like student athletes quitting working out cold-turkey once they graduate. Their bodies freak out and don’t know what to do, leading to a confused metabolism and weird appetite fluctuations. 

The same goes for walking. If your body gets used to walking every day, not walking makes it restless. You have a hard time sleeping and other internal imbalances lead to disturbed body functions. I’ll just say it: you have a harder time pooping. Ha ha. Poop.

All in all, as a young woman who’s good at fixating on my body, I can’t say I’m not annoyed that my pants and skirts all fit differently. They don’t not fit, they’re just… different. I’m sure the man in my life doesn’t mind at all, but it’s not his ass so I don’t really give a s—. 

Perhaps I’ll eventually cave and write a meaningful piece about body image and the complicated female relationship with curves. But, for now, I would rather just gripe about something very minor that seems to entertain people. That being my ass.