By Sophia Yakumithis

Last week, comedian John Mulaney hosted “Saturday Night Live” for the fourth time. In his opening monologue, Mulaney announced the country would be voting in an “elderly man contest” Tuesday and that those eligible would have the chance to pick their favorite of the two choices.

I participated in this contest, but that doesn’t mean I was excited to take part in it. 

You see, there used to be another elderly man in the race who I think was a lot smarter and cooler than the two options we had on Tuesday, but a lot of people either feared the idea of an old man with good morals winning or believed he was a communist. 

Either way, he was rejected by a big clique of elderly men who don’t like it when they’re not in control — which really disappointed me, considering they’re all giant babies who make selfish decisions all the time.

The two elderly men we got to pick from both have a lot of baggage. Neither of them seem cognitively capable of making decisions on their own and their caretakers are weird as hell. One of them gives big “teacher’s pet” vibes and is probably excited for when the old man dies, while the other one has a pet fly who resides in his hair. 

But back to the elderly men themselves, the winner of the last contest is dangerous. He watches Fox News all day and acts like a pig. He also goes golfing in Florida when he should be working, and hates minorities. His wife is a Slovenian sugar baby and I’m pretty sure he’s molested people too. 

His senility is really bad, and only seems to be getting worse — for instance, he was butthurt about Tuesday’s results (which are still TBD) and because his kids haven’t taken his phone away from him yet, went on Twitter to announce a lawsuit against democracy. 

I think this old guy forgot to take his Donepezil this week and has continuously forgotten it for the past four years, so maybe after he does, he’ll delete those tweets and realize it’s time to shut the f— up.

The other old guy thinks he’s younger than he is, so he acts like Mr. Cool and it’s really embarrassing to watch. He also bit his wife’s finger once in public. But considering how nasty the other elderly man is, I don’t really want to drag this one. He’s at least trying his best and not actively trying to annihilate Indigenous people and the ozone layer.

We won’t know the winner of the elderly man contest for a while, and Elderly Man No. 1 is being a giant baby about it. I just hope this is the last year we have a contest like this, and that in 2024 there might be a one in which we get to actually pick our favorite out of two, oh, I don’t know, decent human beings — maybe even a decent human being of a different ethnic background or gender identity. Just a thought.

That is, if America hasn’t been blown off the map by then.