By Sophia Yakumithis

A few years ago, I wrote an article calling out college students for celebrating “Sexy Halloween,” the sexy appropriation of costumes that are otherwise innocent or basic. I also called out police brutality in that piece, which I think is amazing for 2018 because that means I kinda invented social media activism… right?

If you don’t feel like taking the time to read my article, I’ll summarize it for you: it was really cold and rainy on Halloween of my freshman year, but I still saw a ton of girls romping around in their sexy-whatever costumes. I was too cool for school, so it pissed me off.

Although I’ve played my part in Sexy Halloween, including a sexy pilgrim and Eve of “The Bible” fame — yeah, she’s basically naked — sophomore me judged everyone hardcore for choosing to bare it all a month and a half before winter officially began. 

Well, the tables have turned. Ya girl is not a little girl any more and I’ve since gotten into working out. Now that I’m a little more comfortable with myself and, more importantly, less of a judgemental b—-, you bet your top dollar I’m ready to serve looks on the front lines of Sexy Halloween. 

Down coats exist for a reason, so if it’s that cold out come Oct. 31, that baby is keeping me toasty til the second I’m inside and then bam: tequila shots will warm the soul (and my extremities).

Plus, we’re in the middle of a pandemic, so the only “parties” I have the opportunity to attend will be with less than 10 of my nearest and dearests, aka people with whom I am perfectly comfortable thot-ing it up around.

While I haven’t decided what, exactly, my sexy costume is going to be this year, I’ve come up with a few ideas that are also timely. 

1. Sexy Dr. Fauci 

Four words: glasses, stethoscope, name tag.  

2. Sexy toilet paper shortage

Pay homage to those March, pre-lockdown toilet paper shortages by wrapping your chest and hips with toilet paper. Then, when someone inevitably asks what you’re supposed to be, tell them you were going to be a mummy but you overcommitted and the supermarket was sold out of toilet paper.

This is a great excuse to show off your six-pack, and if your supermarket is actually sold out of toilet paper, it also works with paper towels.

3. Sexy COVID-19 test 

Throw on your tiniest white, strapless cocktail dress and heels, and top it off with either a white hat or bonnet. Those Q-Tips never looked so sexy until you showed up.

4. Sexy face mask

Even fewer materials than Sexy Dr. Fauci: just a face mask.

5. Ryan Reynolds

Because he’s sexy enough on his own.