By Emma Simonoff

Architectural Digest’s house tours are a unique look into celebrities’ homes and psyches. Videos touring Michael Kors’ Greenwich Village penthouse, Robert Downey Junior’s windmill and James McNulty from “The Wire”’s literal castle give insight into their aesthetic and music tastes as well as, most importantly, those special little eccentricities that only people with ridiculous amounts of money can have.

Dakota Johnson is a child of celebrities. She grew up surrounded by fame and fortune, and it shows. More recently, Johnson made entertainment headlines for her unabashed callout of Ellen DeGeneres for claiming she wasn’t invited to Johnson’s birthday party. Johnson was not afraid, and this AD tour explains it all while also bringing up many, many more questions.

The Office

  1. Johnson takes a pile of books she says are “weird” and is so embarrassed about them that she hides them in a cabinet. The only one I can identify is “All Quiet on the Western Front,” which is the exact copy I got when we had to read it sophomore year of high school.
  1. Johnson talks about how sad it is that Barb from “Stranger Things” is still stuck in the Upside Down. Pretty sure Barb’s death is confirmed, but no one corrects her because she’s Dakota Johnson and no one has ever corrected her.

The Kitchen

  1. There is a rug in the kitchen. As my roommate pointed out, that is very weird. There’s literally no way she cooks in that kitchen. However, she specifically says that she loves to cook and bake and she does it a lot. So either she’s lying, or she gets muffin batter in her rug every week and then probably buys a new one because there’s batter in her rug.
  1. Johnson goes on for at least 15 seconds about how she doesn’t understand people who buy useless fancy dishes. And then she shows off all her useless fancy dishes.
  1. Johnson loves limes. She has a bonkers amount of limes. Since we’ve already established that she was probably lying about cooking, what could she possibly be doing with all those limes? My guess: her staff (that she pretends not to have) replace them when they start to go bad, creating an illusion of a giant bowl of immortal limes. 

The Backyard

  1. After specifically saying that there is very little seating indoors, Johnson shows off the expensive and delicate furniture in her backyard. She has multiple pieces, including a table made out of wood from Winston Churchill’s yacht, which is slowly but surely rotting outside. But, as Johnson says, “they look so good out here so, who cares?”
  1. Johnson shows off her pool and talks about swimming all the time. Odd, because if you look closely, that pool is absolutely filthy and has basically an entire tree branch in it. Also, she talks about having flowers because the house feels masculine, but all of the flowers are dead. To me, this says that Dakota Johnson sees what she wants to see and no one is brave enough to tell her the truth.
  1. Johnson explains that she is having a war with her neighbors over how high her bamboo is growing, which is insane. I appreciate and respect that she knows what she wants and fights for it. If Ellen asked her to cut down the bamboo, we all know what Johnson would do.

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