By Sophia Yakumithis

For anyone living under a rock, supermodel Gigi Hadid and former One Direction member Zayn Malik welcomed their first child this week. And let me be the first to say: this baby is one of the biggest sources of happiness in my life right now.

I was, and still am, a huge One Direction fan. If any of them happened to bump into me and propose marriage — or, even better, impregnate me on the fly — I used to bounce back and forth between if I wanted it to be Zayn, Louis or Harry. Basically, anyone but Liam or Niall. In my old age, though, I prefer Zayn by a landslide.

Zayn was the “bad boy” of the group. He was the only one we can confidently assume wasn’t a virgin when the band got together and who boldly dropped out in 2015 to pursue an edgier solo career. He’s covered in tattoos, chain smokes, wears lots of leather and don’t even get me started on how sexy his piercings are. Plus, his jawline could cut open my jugular and I would honestly thank him if it did. 

I have a picture of Zayn pinned to a bulletin board directly parallel to my head so I can wake up and go to sleep to his sweet, perfectly-chiseled and symmetrical face. He’s my beautiful Pakistani prince and it’s completely ridiculous, offensive and unfair that Gigi Hadid has birthed his child.

Gigi has a ton of things going for her. I knew who she was a few years before her modeling career took off because her goat-milk-drinking, fitness-obsessed mother, Yolanda Hadid, was on the cast of the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” franchise. Since then, she’s racked in at least 35 “Vogue” covers and I’m stopping myself there because when you have that many “Vogue” covers, it becomes your entire personality.

Needless to say, Zigi is my dream threeway. But I think it’s really unfair that the sexiest woman alive, who’s also super rich and has everyone wrapped around her perfectly delicate little finger, got to have Zayn’s baby. Let someone less fortunate take on that responsibility. Let’s not get selfish out here, Gi. 

I genuinely hope this baby lives up to the hype. The last thing I want is to have anxiously awaited this angel’s arrival and then be presented with a picture of an actual Gremlin spawn. I think it would be a damn shame, if not a waste, to see God’s two single greatest creations cancel one another out and conceive an ugly little chicken nugget. 

And maybe that’s why I was not the one chosen by destiny to carry it. We don’t want to risk my ugliness tarnishing Zayn’s offspring, which it very well could.

Disclaimer: I fully wrote this before the baby was here and now that she’s alive, I am not. I am now crying in my bed, fully deceased. This is truly a fanfic moment.