By Sophia Yakumithis
I miss my friends. I often fantasize about how much fun it would be, in theory, to be trapped inside with them, passing the time like we’re at a middle school slumber party. But then it dawned on me that that would actually suck.
I can’t think of anything worse than dealing with my friends as they go through the motions of the emotional stress that accompany stir craziness (which is in full swing at my house). When my mom, dad or sister start behaving barbarically, it’s easy to dismiss or take with a grain of salt because they’re my family; I know that I can be straight up with them and they’ll still have my back at the end of the day. But if my best friend was acting like a straight up caveman? I’d be really upset and really uncomfortable, and it would probably tarnish our relationship in some way or another.
However, there are still select individuals who I’d rather be quarantined with than my immediate family members. And that’s not a dig at my people — after all, my mom does my laundry and loves me unconditionally (I think), so it’d be really disrespectful for me to complain about anything. But also, if given the option, I’d definitely replace her with someone like, say, Leonardo DiCaprio.
And that’s why I’ve made a list of celebrities I’d rather be quarantined with than my own family; because you never know when the opportunity might arise, and when it happens, I want my pick of the litter.
Let’s just say I wouldn’t need to go shopping for quarantine snacks, if you can catch my drift.
For anyone living under a rock, Chris Morocco is the director of Bon Appetit’s test kitchen. He cooks some bomb-looking food, and I feel like if we were quarantined together, I’d come out of this experience as a master chef (or just living in his shadow, or 13 pounds heavier).
Because she’s the baddest b—- alive, that’s why. But NOT as her character in Stephen King’s “Misery.”
The former One Direction band member is the love of my life, so being quarantined with him sounds like pure bliss. I would be okay with another two months of stay-at-home orders if it meant hanging out with Harry from dawn till dusk. We would probably listen to slow, easy records all day and paint our nails. I would also get him wine drunk and ask for dirt on the other 1D members and try to make him admit that Larry was real (if you know, you know).
We would have sex all day every day.
We would also have sex all day every day.
We would also have sex all day everyday, but we would also do face masks before bed and tell each other secrets like we’re in an endless slumber party.
I’ve dreamt of this for years: I would wake up to the smell of freshly baked granola and scones, and we would sit at the breakfast nook overlooking her East Hampton vineyard talking about when times were more exciting. We would spend the day working on baking projects and tending to her garden. For dinner, her husband Jeffrey would join us for a delicious roast chicken. We’d cap off the night with vodka sodas and ice cream. How easy was that?
I’m so depressed that not even wine or Prozac are cutting it for me. But if I had Dave by my side, at least I would be depressed and get to laugh my a– off.
Who wouldn’t want to be quarantined with the real-life James Bond?
Right now, I wouldn’t. But once he’s been quarantined for a few more weeks, check back in with me.