By Katherine Wright
Some of our favorite childhood books have been taken out of inventory in our ambitious attempts to tackle home-restriction-related boredom. In that battle, I’ve given some thought to possibly reinventing these stories to suit our current state. Here they are: your favorite childhood stories, coronavirus edition.
“Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret (and I Need Some Answers This Time, Like, For Real)”
Some certainty about something, anything, would be nice. Please respond ASAP.
“The Little Engine That Could (Not Do Anything)”
That Little Engine moves round and round in circles on his favorite toy track, unable to venture farther than his living room.
“If You Give a Mouse a Roll of Toilet Paper”
If you give a mouse a roll of toilet paper, he’s going to want some paper towels to go with it. And before you know it, you’re desperately searching an empty grocery store looking for bread flour because the mouse has decided he is a cooking aficionado and needs ingredients STAT. It goes on. And on.
“Tales of the Very, Very, Very Tired Mother Goose Who Just Wants a Break from Her Children”
“Don’t Let the Pigeon (Leave the House)!”
If you thought convincing the pigeon to not drive the bus was difficult, then try convincing him to stay at home.
“(We’re Out of) Green Eggs and Ham”
I’ve checked every grocery store near and far.
“Dear Dumb Diary (The World is Ending and All I’m Doing Is Baking Bread)”
Diaries are still dumb, but I have nothing better to do anyway, so I guess I’ll write. Except for the fact that all I do is nap and experiment with bread and watch TV, which is all I can write about. So yeah, diaries are still dumb.
“Charlie and the (Non-Essential) Chocolate Factory”
The Oompa Loompas are enjoying a much-needed vacation, tanning and swimming in the chocolate river in groups of less than 10.
“Llama Llama Red Pajama (That I Wear Always Now)”
“Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad, (Never Ending) Day”
First, he gets sent home from school for a few weeks. Then it’s cancelled for good. Now he spends all of his time playing Animal Crossing and crying in the shower.
“Charlotte’s Web (of Constant Coronavirus-Centered News)”
Some webs are just too strong to break free from.
“Frog and Toad are Friends (from Afar)”
You know them as the beloved friends who do everything together, but how will they manage without one another? Will Frog finally learn how to use Zoom? Will Toad create a Netflix Party account to binge watch “Friends” alongside Frog?
“Junie B. Jones is on House Arrest (Unrelated to Current Global Crisis)”
Really? No one else can leave the house either?
“Mary Poppins: A Guide to Quarantine (What’s Really in that Spoonful of Sugar?)”
“Oh, the Places You (Can’t) Go!”
To a restaurant? Nope! A movie theater? As if.
“The Berenstain Bears (Stay at Home, and That’s It)”
“The Adventures of Raggedy Ann (Who Now Has Even Less Reason to Shower)”
If you thought Raggedy Ann was unkempt before all of this, you’re in for a real shock. But no one can blame her, really. We’re with you, girl!
“Winnie-the-Pooh (and the No-Pants Trend)”
While Winnie the Pooh was never compelled to wear pants, the world is now following suit. Just be careful when you have to stand up during that Zoom call with your boss.