By Sophia Yakumithis

I prepared a loaf of bread during a seminar class on Monday because I had the camera turned off. And I can do what I want now that my governor put all of us under house arrest. 

It’s terrible, though, that I now feel such a sense of autonomy over not just my class attendance, but what I do with my time “in” class. I’ve never been the kind of person to skip, even if I’m deathly ill. 

I skipped class a lot in high school, but now I don’t skip class because I’m good enough at zoning out that if I really don’t want to be there, my body just shows up to the classroom and I let my mind wander while my teacher lectures. 

During that chunk of time, I usually conduct fake Vogue interviews with myself or imagine having sex with Leonardo DiCaprio. 

But now, I’m doing class in my bedroom. I feel like I can do whatever the hell I want to because I have control over what my classmates and professors see. It’s like being an influencer. 

Day two of Zoom University, for instance, I got completely dressed and put on makeup from the waist up and was stark naked from the waist down. Sorry to anyone in my French class who might be reading this. 

The ability to turn the camera off completely got my brain churning: What else can I do with that godforsaken webcam turned off? How far can I take this freedom if no one knows what’s going on except the FBI agent who lives in my hard drive? 

Luckily, I’m not a sicko. But that doesn’t mean my classmates aren’t. Here are some things those weirdos who always have the audio and video off might be doing while you’re held hostage to a virtual lecture on the Counter-Reformation. 

Warning: Some of these might ruin your life. Please don’t get any ideas. 

  1. Doing homework for another class
  2. Eating lunch
  3. Sobbing hysterically
  4. Taking a shower
  5. Sobbing hysterically in the shower
  6. Making out with their S.O. 
  7. Clipping their guinea pig’s toenails (I did that) 
  8. Getting a foot massage
  9. Putting on makeup so they can turn the camera on without looking ugly
  10. Taking a booty call
  11. Driving to an essential business (aka booty call’s house. Please stay at home instead)
  12. Registering to vote 
  13. Playing Animal Crossing
  14. Masturbating
  15. Online shopping
  16. Online shopping with the government issued COVID-19 check
  17. Looking at pictures of food 
  18. Reading comments on YouTube videos
  19. Beating Bobby Flay
  20. Having an anxiety attack
  21. Masturbating again because they weren’t finished
  22. Taking a phone call from the university because they didn’t realize the camera was on during their class and they were masturbating
  23. Writing thank you notes to loved ones
  24. Filling out transfer applications
  25. Driving 
  26. Pursuing mixology
  27. Playing the Sims
  28. Realizing we all live in a simulation