By Liam Grogan

One of the hardest adjustments when I entered college was learning how to adapt to a dining hall lifestyle. 

I wasn’t worried about the “Freshman 15,” though. I’m just a guy looking for decent quality food and variety in his meals. And at the dining hall, the pickings were predictably slim.

Despite all odds, I actually started figuring it out. I had my dining hall routine on lock; I knew what time to get there so breakfast was still being served, and I had the highest protein choices at the salad bar down to a tee. 

Sometimes, I was even seen eating from the vegan station. I KNOW, RIGHT?

But then, of course, just as I was learning you don’t have to drown every salad in ranch dressing and stale croutons, all my hard work came tumbling down. Now, in face of the prospect of months stuck at home due to the coronavirus outbreak, I realize that I must once again learn how to take care of myself — a task I was not expecting to face again for at least four or more years. 

Never fear my friends. If I can do it, so can all of you. And to help you all out, I’m going to share my new cooking and eating routine, which can help you all live your best lives, even in self-quarantine. 

Breakfast

It’s important not to spend all your energy and motivation on preparing breakfast, so you have to start off your day easy. That’s why I like to go simple: Eggo waffles cooked in the toaster with syrup. 

I know you’re thinking, “That sounds delicious, but is it healthy to do that every day?”

Well, I’ve been doing it every day for a week and a half, and not a whiff of the ‘rona on me yet, so, probably.

Lunch

For lunch, I usually like to get a little creative. For example, today I made myself some tacos. 

To be more specific, I folded one plain, toasted Eggo waffle in half, then stuffed a blueberry Eggo waffle inside of it and ate that as a whole. Feel free to add whipped cream on top if you’re feeling adventurous. 

Dinner

By the time dinner rolls around, you’ll likely be three hours into a midday nap, leaving no time for a meal because your family will eat without you without even noticing that you’re gone.

But when you wake up at midnight, you’ll be starving. That means it’s time to treat yourself. 

That said, I don’t eat dinner. 

However, you’re also going to be feeling extremely stressed about the current lovecraftian nightmare we live in; how it could very well be six months until we see our friends again, the fact that toilet paper will very soon be our new national currency and that somehow, we all got tricked into paying $70,000 for online classes.

For these times, I recommend eating uncooked frozen Eggo waffles on the floor of your kitchen, staring into the abyss as the ceiling light slowly flickers on and off. Reality is scary right now, so find solace where you can. 

Stay safe, friends, and don’t even try doing the math on how much each individual Zoom class session costs in tuition, because trust me — that’s just going to make everything worse.