The 92nd Academy Awards took place Sunday, I have a lot to say about this year’s fashion. You’d think that if you have that kind of money and some of the top designers at your disposal, you’d wear something outstanding. Emphasis on “that’s what you’d think.”

Blac Chyna? What? Why is she there? Who is she? From the waist up, Rob Kardashian’s baby mama’s black velvet, deep, deep and I can not stress this enough, DEEP V, looked like Michael Jackson’s iconic “We Are The World” jacket got in a cock fight with a blue jolly rancher. To top it off, her leg decided to make an appearance given that her slit rose straight up to where the deep v ends. A mess.

I think “Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants” actress America Ferrera showed up to the wrong event. While her ruby red, empire waisted gown was a stunning color, her attempt at a MET Gala Virgin Mary look was not. The pregnant actress posed stoically in what looks like a gold headband from Claire’s straight across her forehead, only a slight distraction from the giant red popcorn sleeves which covered only her shoulders. Ferrera, who straightened her hair like she’s going to the middle school dance, should have stuck with what she knows and borrowed some pants from Blake Lively.

Giulianna Rancic looked like a piece of coral with feathers at a disco party. I will leave that to your imagination.

10-year-old “Once Upon a Time…in Hollywood’s” Julia Butters looked bad in a Pepto Bismol pink Christian Siriano gown. I don’t care if she’s in fifth grade, her dress was gross. It looked like Emily Dickinson’s Glinda the Good Witch crossover: probably the worst way to make your Oscars debut as an aspiring actress. And no, it’s not because I’m bitter that she sat on Leonardo DiCaprio’s lap. I’m fine. 

After Googling her name to find out who the hell she is, journalist Elizabeth Wagmeister looked so bad I don’t know where to start. First, the color. I get that the Dolby Theatre is in California, but an avocado green satin gown is just not her thing, or anyone’s thing, for that matter. 

The shape of Wagmeister’s dress was also bizarre because while it was a one strap, toga-style, it hugged her body in the wrong places and a piece of black lace fabric was hastily thrown on the exposed arm as if to distract me. The worst part of this atrocity, though, is the thick, black belt with geographic gems centered over the middle two-thirds section. I don’t know if her stylist forgot about her, which wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest, or what, but I don’t even think a store like Charlotte Russe would be willing to display this in the window. 

I also don’t know her, but singer Aurora looked like she was going to a Legend of Zelda Comic-Con or whatever. After searching her name, I learned that the Norwegian singer always dresses like this, but her all white appropriation of a Korean dobok with red accents looked terrible with what looked like white Fila sneakers.

Former SNL cast member Maya Rudolph never delivers at these events. Even though I love her, homegirl just does not know how to dress. Her copper sequined gown looked like a robe you wear when you’re having a haircut, but fell just above her ankles and exposed strappy, low-heeled sandals. It was bad. Even for her.

I’m exhausted after looking at these fits. And am currently wearing a $3.99 Zara boy’s T-shirt.

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