By Shaun Robinson

I’ve never watched Game of Thrones.

Like seriously, despite all the fuss and the hype around this show and the upcoming eighth season — I think — I haven’t even seen 30 seconds of its runtime. In no way am I opposed to the show. In fact, I really admire how invested people get into the exegesis of the whole thing.

It’s just that if I started watching Game of Thrones now, I’d have so much to catch up on that it’s too overwhelming to even think about.

That said, I figured it’d be fun to write up what I think the show is about, given my next-to-no knowledge of the entire series. I’m going to write this as if it is a factual plot summary.

Let’s see how it goes.

At its core, Game of Thrones is a show about a bunch of different kingdoms vying for the top throne in the land. That land is called Westeros, and it’s an island, and the whole thing is set in the 14th or 15th century.

The story centers around protagonist John Snow, a Hozier-esque man from one of the most underrated kingdoms on the island. Not only is John Snow’s name similar to the show’s motto, but his superior battle skills make him an important asset for his kingdom and a real force to be reckoned with across Westeros.

The show is basically a bunch of battles, but the only weapons the people have are swords and catapults and whatnot because this is definitely set well before guns were invented. Each kingdom is fighting to try and conquer the throne, and the kingdom that currently has the throne is of course trying to defend it.

One notable feature of the Game of Thrones series is that it combines mythical creatures and humans into one world. It’s kind of like “The Lord of the Rings,” kind of like “Harry Potter” and kind of like “How to Train Your Dragon 2” because OH YES, there are dragons. The dragons are the best weapon you can have in Westeros, and all the kingdoms really want them.

Moreover, the show is set in the fall — hence the famous phrase, “winter is coming.” Winter here is meant in both the literal and metaphorical sense because everyone is always anticipating ice-cold weather as well as ice-cold relationships between the warring kingdoms.

One day in the glorious future, of which viewers are only offered glimpses a la Harry Potter’s “Mirror of Erised,” it will be “spring” and there will be peace in Westeros.

Still, that peace — that spring — is far off because there are just so many kingdoms and so much fighting. Moreover, some of these kingdoms are magical, which means they can exist in other realms and use special spells. This makes defending the throne all the more difficult, even for kingdoms that have dragons, and makes the show all the more interesting.

There is also a lot of sex in Game of Thrones because the armies spend a lot of time together considering they are always at war. The incessant sex scenes aren’t necessary for understanding the plotline of the show, but they do break up the copious amounts of battle violence.

Now in its eighth (and final) season, fans of GoT spend their days wondering how it’s all going to end. Will John Snow die like the rest of them? Which kingdom will get the throne for the final time, weather the winter and bring “spring” to Westeros? That remains to be seen.

It’s also a question I absolutely cannot answer. May the odds be ever in their favor?