By Kevin Hom
Sticky floors, cramped seats, overpriced tickets and gross food are all words which describe a typical movie theater experience. Simply put, these are the reasons as why I don’t typically keep up with the latest movies. With the unique exceptions of “Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle,” “Spider-Man: Homecoming,” “Sausage Party” (it was a horrible movie) and “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2” (yup, skipped the first one), I don’t watch movies.
For starters, movie plots are so predictable. The superheroes always win, the guy gets the girl and if it’s not a happy ending, it’s probably an impractical horror movie. Yup, I’m that guy you hate to sit next to because I poke holes through everything.
“Couldn’t the kids just create a diversion and run out of the house to escape from the serial killer?”
“Since when did Iron Man create Spider-Man’s suit?”
“Why do all the bank robbers have such bad aim?”
Secondly, I’d be much more comfortable watching movies at home as opposed to a movie theater. But by the time the movie starts streaming on TV, it’s become old news. Usually, I’ll watch 10 minutes of a movie, wonder why people thought it was so good, and flip to the Travel Channel to watch Andrew Zimmern eat food or to ESPN to watch whatever sports are on.
And finally, there’s probably a hundred things to do with your friends that are better than watching a movie. You can’t talk in a movie theater, so if you have to resort to a movie to hang out with someone to avoid awkward silence (sadly, that was the case during “Guardians of the Galaxy” for me) … yeah, it’s a little sad. This is why the movies are a popular second date option. You know the first date was terrible, but you feel bad, so you give the guy/girl a second chance through a movie, with hopes that it springboards a conversation during dinner. For example: “If you can’t make noise in ‘A Quiet Place,’ how did Jim from ‘The Office’ and Emily Blunt have sex?”
Honestly, are these the questions you want to discuss at dinner at Olive Garden? And no, I don’t speak from experience.
So while you fork over another $20 for an “immersive movie experience,” I’ll be at that café across the street eating a bacon, egg and cheese along with a chocolate croissant.