One night, my friends and I decided that we would be the opposite of productive and look up strange celebrity baby names for kicks and giggles. And let me tell you, there are some strange ones. As an English major, it’s basically my job to over-analyze just about everything, so here’s my take on what could have been going through a celebrity’s head when they named their child Something Ridiculous.
Rocket Zot, child of Sam Worthington
The fact that Worthington is not the only celebrity to name his child “Rocket” just proves that in Hollywood, literally anything goes. Pharrell Williams named his child Rocket Ayers and it’s clear that both Worthington and Williams just wholeheartedly believe that their kids are so out of this world. But when I think of the word Zot, the first thing that comes to mind is snot and that just creates an image I didn’t intend to be thinking about. An A for effort, Sam Worthington. On the other hand, maybe Ayers is code for something. Spelled backwards it’s Reya, which sounds like the name of a beautiful woman, so maybe Pharrell actually named his kid after a girl that he fell in love with in the second grade.
Sage Moonblood, child of Sylvester Stallone
In all honesty, the name Sage Stallone sounds really edgy and cool and blends beautifully with the Stallone family reputation. Clearly during the baby-naming process, Stallone was thinking about his kid’s future interests and only wanted the best for him and his education, because what better motivator to keep your grades up than the fact that your name literally means a profoundly wise man? But then there’s Moonblood, which just sounds like Papa Rocky was up to some dark magic when he was fighting Apollo. At least no one ever really uses their middle name.
Apple and Moses, children of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin
We’re all thinking the same thing here — really? Well, the answer is yes, really. If you stop and think about it, Apple and Moses are both in the Bible, which would make perfect sense if the parents thought of that when they named their kids. I’m not entirely positive that Paltrow and Martin were aware of that little connection until after the deed was done. With that said, we are left with the lingering question, “Why in the world would you name your kid Apple?” You could ask Paltrow, but I’m not sure if even she knows the reason.
Pilot Inspektor, child of Jason Lee
You know how sometimes people tell one funny joke and everyone laughs, but then the person keeps building on the joke or retelling it over and over again and the joke stops being funny and just becomes pathetic? Yeah, that’s basically what happened here. “My Name Is Earl” star Jason Lee decided that he was going to name his kid something quirky and cool and funny, and while Pilot Inspektor might be quirky and cool and funny to him, the rest of us don’t share that opinion. I honestly find it a little bit sad, especially because he didn’t even want to use the proper spelling of “inspector.” This is a pilot that will not be taking off anytime soon.
Moxie Crimefighter, child of Penn Jillette
Honestly, my only hope for the future of humanity at this point lies in Moxie Crimefighter. She’s got a wicked name and that’s basically the formula for success. We need a true hero, a real crime fighter with moxie, to rise up and save the world, whether that’s by finding the cure for cancer, solving the world’s hunger crisis, or even just answering our questions of “Why would you ever name your child that?” So please, Moxie, save the day, one weird celebrity baby name at a time.