Millions tuned in to watch Super Bowl LI this Sunday with the promise of seeing an intense showdown between this year’s top two football teams. An additional perk of watching the game was getting to see Lady Gaga perform in the much anticipated Pepsi Halftime Show. A group of self-proclaimed halftime experts and myself have decided to provide our thoughts on the performance.
1. How can she be that comfortable in the air?
From her initial descent from the top of the NRG Stadium hanging from cables like a glittery spider, to her final hop off the stage and out of the frame, Lady Gaga kept her feet off the ground and her audience in awe of her gravity-defying abilities. We have come to the conclusion that Gaga fears nothing. Not even the possibility of plummeting to her death while dressed in a sparkly leotard. Kudos Gaga. We applaud you.
2. How can anyone sing that well while performing in such a way?
Gaga’s voice barely wavers as she jumps, dances and spins while airborne. We have come to the conclusion that if we were to attempt such vocal endeavors we would sound feeble and shaky, as though we were losing a long battle with the flu. While Lady Gaga is free to belt out any song she would like to with her powerhouse of a voice, we have decided that it would be better if we confined our own singing to the shower.
3. Where can we get some of those gold jackets her backup dancers were wearing?
It was hard to miss the group of men dancing around in highly reflective and textured golden jackets. It is now our greatest wish to obtain some to wear on the daily. We would be impossible to miss. People at Starbucks would never forget to prepare our orders ever again because our images would be forever planted within their minds and everyone else’s.
4. Why is Lady Gaga brandishing that mace-like scepter as she sings “Telephone”?
This song will now forever be associated with that frightening weapon. It has never been more clear that when Gaga says to “stop calling” she means it with every ounce of conviction that she possesses. We fear and love her all at once.
5. How did she change so fast?
We actually went back and timed the quick change that took place. The entire thing was carried out in exactly 17.77 seconds. Not only did she change out of a skin-tight leotard, she also removed about a pound of glitter and eye makeup from her face. It takes us ages to remove the makeup from our faces and even after diligently scrubbing our faces with moist toilettes, we still find traces of the stuff all over us the next morning. How on earth did Gaga do it in under 20 seconds? Inquiring minds want to know.
6. Where can we sign up to be one of the people who carries Lady Gaga across the stage so she doesn’t have to walk?
Some of us in this group are under 5-feet-3 but we would still be willing to sacrifice the health of our spinal cords in order to do this job. We would just wear lumbar support belts and hope for the best.
In conclusion, we were mightily impressed with Lady Gaga’s performance and overall showmanship. We sincerely hope that the rest of the country feels the same way. We had a grand old time watching her and are now frantically searching the deepest darkest corners of the web for golden jackets of our own.