As Christmas looms near, the pressure of giving that perfect gift grows higher by the day. You begin to contemplate how appropriate each present will seem based on your relationships to the people receiving them. If I get her a Red Lobster gift card will that make it seem like I am calling her a glutton in a backhanded way? If I present him with a box of his favorite cereal will he wonder how I know what his favorite cereal is and then proceed to block me on Twitter? Luckily for you, I have been blocked on Twitter several times and know just what you should not do when selecting presents. Here is my gift-giving guide that should be able to save you from shame and ridicule this fine holiday season.
For the parents: I strongly suggest macaroni art. There is no better way to showcase your creativity than to hot glue dried-out pieces of pasta that you swiped from the dining hall onto construction paper. Your parents will treasure your masterpiece and will display it from the inside of a box tucked away in your garage for years to come.
For the good friend: When I asked my good friends what they thought an acceptable gift would be, I was met with a unanimous response of “socks.” Apparently socks are the ideal present. This makes sense because the residence hall’s washers and dryers seem to eat them. Every time I do my laundry I lose at least two of my socks and gain one men’s sock. If you are a man who is missing four or more of his socks, they probably are sitting in my room. If you want them back, we will be in touch.
For the arch nemesis: The best gift for your enemy would be a nice little mixtape that you claim will lift their spirits because of the upbeat messages within each song. This mixtape will actually contain no fewer than 12 different versions of “It’s A Small World.” While there is absolutely no doubt that this song is very cheerful, it is also a notorious earworm. Just one listen will make your nemesis spend the entirety of their winter break alternating between humming the tune and trying to get it out of their head. Just when they think they are free, a random family member will start singing the song and the whole cycle will repeat itself.
For the friend who is really more of an acquaintance: Baked goods are an effective way of saying, “I care about you, but not enough to spend any real money on you.” Assemble a nice plate of cookies and various types of breads, then slap a festive ribbon on it. Deliver it and you are golden.
For the person you want to show your affection for without scaring them away: If you choose to get this person a personal gift such as their favorite box of cereal or a copy of their favorite book, be sure to balance out this personal gesture by pairing it with something a bit more general. Perhaps an item that everyone needs anyways, like printer paper.
I hope this will effectively help you select Christmas gifts for all of the important people in your life. I wish you the very best of luck and a Merry Christmas!