This is a food I will never understand. People use Thanksgiving as an excuse to consume a mass of soggy bread that successfully incubates every pathogen that should be cooked out of a turkey. Additionally, the fact that you have to shove said stuffing into the turkey from the bottom up is incredibly disturbing. It’s bad enough that an average of 46 million turkeys will be killed this holiday season, but when you add on the stuffing process, it becomes a little frightening. If I were a turkey, I would flee the country in the dead of night.
2. Cranberry Sauce
This dish is the slightly awkward and approachable cousin of JELL-O. From the second it pops out of the can, still retaining the shape of its container, you begin to wonder if it might just be better to eat your turkey dry. If you choose to do this, you could save the sauce for up to two years after the sell by date because like an antibiotic resistant bacterium, cranberry sauce cannot be killed.
3. Sweet Potato Casserole
This food is only accepted during Thanksgiving, but it’s delicious. It’s probably so good because the vegetables are barely identifiable beneath a snowy layer of mini marshmallows and brown sugar. This food dangerously flirts with being a dessert rather than a side dish and is cast into the supporting role of “only to be eaten on special occasions.”
4. Collard Greens
I appreciate the effort these vegetables are putting into their fancy appearance. However, I really prefer if my greens do not dress up. They do not need to wear collars to dinner. They could just show up in T-shirts if they wanted to. But Thanksgiving is a special occasion, so their formal attire is temporarily warranted.
These oversized chickens are full to the brim with tryptophan that increases the production of dopamine in the brain. Eating turkey literally impairs your function. We limit our turkey intake to Thanksgiving simply because it would be too dangerous to operate heavy machinery every day while under the influence of this white meat. The few days off you can enjoy over Thanksgiving should be used to sleep off the negative effects of the holiday bird.