Hillary Clinton, the last rational politician in this country, won a decisive victory in Nevada Saturday over Bernie Sanders, the political equivalent of a guy who leads you on for two months with lots of promises but then ghosts just as things get serious (I’m not projecting at all).
Just two days prior, Hillary had met with Queen of Las Vegas and the homosexuals, Britney Spears, who is in the middle of a trendsetting, iconic Las Vegas residency show (Britney: Piece of Me — tickets are available here). Coincidence? I think not.
Basically, Britney Spears won the Nevada caucus for Hillary Clinton. Her Spearitual impact reaches even into politics.
So what happened at that meeting with Britney, Hillary, Bill Clinton and Britney’s manager, Larry Rudolph? I have a couple of theories.
First, I think they strategized about the upcoming release of Britney’s ninth studio album, which is “about 80 percent done,” according to NME. It’s no secret that the promotion for her last album, “Britney Jean,” was absolutely abysmal. The album itself was too — so much so that more often than not, I refuse to acknowledge its existence. I’m sure Hillary, in an attempt to improve American culture and our overall morale, impressed upon Britney and her team the importance of a well-produced, well-promoted Britney Spears album. It’s vital to our nation — she’s been Miss American Dream since she was 17, after all.
I think they also made fun of Christina Aguilera, whose career has been reduced to judging pitchy flops, doing impressions of more successful stars and offering online singing classes. Aguilera hosted a fundraiser for Hillary last year, and Britney, along with Madonna, still overshadows “the other girl.” They probably had lots of fun stories to trade.
Last, I’m sure Britney, the rare artist with two albums that have been certified Diamond in the United States, gave Hillary some pointers on how to broaden her appeal to the masses. Britney Spears, an American cultural icon, has almost two decades of simultaneously appealing to women, gays and straight men. Maybe she suggested a faux lesbian kiss with Elizabeth Warren? To employ an assortment of gorgeous men in her campaign videos? Whatever her pointers were, it looks like it paid off, as Hillary finished ahead of Bernie Sanders in Nevada.
Seeing as how Britney Spears’s acknowledgment of Hillary Clinton won her the Nevada caucus, Hillary’s team needs to use her again in the future — both for her general election campaign and when she wins the White House.
Songs like “Autumn Goodbye” can be used against Donald Trump for when he loses to Hillary in a major blowout. “Can’t Make You Love Me” can entice the young voters that Hillary so desperately needs and craves.
Just Britney’s mere presence at a fundraising event will, I’m sure, cause Hillary to rocket up in the polls among gays aged 18 to 34 by at least 20 points.
Once in the White House, Hillary has lots of options for Britney’s unparalleled influence on American culture. It’s common knowledge that Britney’s 2013 hit song “Work Bitch” motivated the American people like never before. Britney can develop new songs to address income inequality, women’s health rights and the existence of Halsey’s career — all issues Hillary will have to face in her eight years in office.
The Democratic Nevada caucus once again proves Britney Spears’ iconic, far-reaching impact. Maybe if Ted Cruz had met with Britney, he could have finished better than third place in the Nevada caucus. It’s unlikely, though, as nowadays Britney tends not to associate with lizard-looking cretins from foreign countries.