To celebrate its 50th anniversary, Cosmopolitan magazine has plastered Satan incarnate Kris Jenner and her five female spawn — Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, Kendall and Kylie — on its November cover. “American’s First Family” the headline reads.
“First family?” you might be thinking. “Doesn’t America already have a first family?” Yes we do, and they are the Obamas, whose patriarch is literally the nation’s leader and whose matriarch is a flawless, ethereal being sent from the heavens to bless us mere mortals. The children, Sasha and Malia, also happen to be absolutely perfect, talented individuals with two perfect dogs, Bo and Sunny. The entire family, significantly the first black First Family, is flaw-free, consistently making a positive impact all over the globe. Why can’t America and the media be happy with such positivity and perfection?
Instead, many seem to think a family whose fame and wealth are built primarily from a sex tape scandal from last decade is more deserving of that title. And Cosmo is not the first magazine to name the Kardashians America’s First Family — many publications over the years have called the reality TV family “America’s Royal Family” or something to that effect. So this is not a one-time occurrence.
Many, sadly, have accepted the Kardashians as a major force in our culture. Their show on E! still has high ratings, their various endorsement deals make bucket loads of money and they have some of the highest follower counts on social media. Some are even going as far as to defend Cosmo for its headline. “Many people watch and know more about the Kardashians, each and every one of them, than you know about the Obamas,” said Wendy Williams, talk show host and demon from the Sixth Circle of Hell.
The Kardashians’ prevalence in American culture is bad enough — what makes it worse is how horrendous this family is.
The family’s matriarch/“momager” Kris Jenner is literally Satan, with no discernable talents of her own, merely leeching off of the scandals and personal lives of her children. She tormented her ex-husband Caitlyn Jenner for years and hid away her only son Rob when his weight and addiction issues took a toll on the family brand. I would say that Kris Jenner sold her soul to the devil for fame and fortune, but she already is Satan incarnate so that’s impossible.
The entire family flaunts their wealth to the extreme — gaudy and tacky is their go-to sense of style. While millions of Americans cannot make ends meet, Kim Kardashian cries because she lost one of her diamond earrings.
While Kris Jenner sells stories of her children’s struggles for hundreds of thousands of dollars, Michelle Obama works to end the obesity epidemic crippling millions of Americans. While Kylie Jenner dons blackface and makes headlines for her ridiculous lips and relationship with a 25 year-old rapper, Malia Obama interns at HBO and tours Ivy League universities.
Come on, America, we can do better. We have allowed a talentless family to represent the “American family.” We don’t deserve the Obamas, but we must cherish them for as long as we have them, as a racist hair piece and his family might be installed in the White House in 2017.