I hope you’re ready, because Pope Francis is about to drop the best mixtape of the year. It’s titled “Wake Up!” and is due out Nov. 27.
On the album, the pope will explore genres as diverse as pop, Latin and even progressive rock. Although Francis won’t be playing any instruments or singing, he will be delivering speeches in different languages such as Italian, Spanish, English and Portuguese.
The pope’s lyrics are essentially just excerpts from his speeches around the world, with topics ranging from peace to charity to even environmentalism. Think of this as the rap album you never knew you needed, and still probably do not need if you’re not a devout Catholic.
One song off of the album, “Wake Up! Go! Go! Forward!” is available for streaming on Soundcloud. This first single sounds like that one band your dad really loved in the ’70s, crossed with the music that companies play over the phone when they put you on hold. Halfway through, Pope Francis slays the track with his speech about God and mercy and whatever. Then, the song ends with a strange man singing in a different language. It’s basically guaranteed to be a hit.
The pope’s new album has the potential to be the biggest selling album in the entire world. There are approximately 1.2 billion Roman Catholics living in the world today, according to the Vatican’s estimates. If every one of these Catholics buys the pope’s album, he could have the world’s best-selling album of all time. Actually, if only about five percent of the world’s Catholics bought the pope’s album, he would still outsell the current best-selling album of all time, Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” Catholics of the world, now is the time to prove your dedication.
And it would be cool if all of the proceeds from the album went toward a charity, but the pope’s golden castle in Vatican City probably needs a new roof or something.
Judging by the comments left on his Soundcloud, people are really enjoying hearing this side of the pope. Comments range from “IT’S LIT” to “haters beware,” to “Mind. Blown,” and even “cool song to jam while sacrificing goats to satan [sic]”. Obviously, the reception is overwhelmingly positive for his holiness.
One of the album’s composers, Tony Pagliuca, confirmed my suspicions of the pope being a diva when he said that working with the pope has been a “very interesting artistic challenge.” It seems that being a big-time spiritual leader has really gone to Pope Francis’ head. I don’t blame him, though. I’d think I was hot stuff too if I got to wear a cool hat and ride around in a bulletproof car everyday.
Frankly, I’m puzzled by the pope’s choice of releasing a pop-rock album. If he really wanted to maximize his appeal, I think he should’ve gone with an album of Rihanna-esque bangers. Then I could finally get down and dirty to a song with a message. This album is obviously aimed toward all of the die-hard pope fans out there.
First the pope offers his revolutionary views on gay marriage and climate change, and now he’s releasing an album. He’s really trying to be hip with the kids these days. He’s not just a pope; he’s a cool pope.
All that’s left now is the Pontifex World Tour. I’m pulling for the pope at 2016 Boston Calling. I, much like the rest of the world, am ready to bang my head and be blessed.