By Jasmine Ferrell, Staff Writer
Miley Cyrus. Everyone knows her, and whether they like to admit it, she is finally getting married. Let’s face it. At 19 years old, she’s already aging past her prime. Her engagement to Liam Hemsworth of “The Hunger Games” has been old news, lining the bottom of birdcages, for quite some time. The latest installment of the Miley saga is that one wedding just wouldn’t be enough.
Any woman of her social standing requires at least two completely different weddings, so obviously she needs three, according to an article quoting her father, Billy Ray Cyrus. His budget for the multiple weddings has been estimated around $1 million, a modest expenditure. Some other cool things (okay, cooler) you could buy with $1 million include purchasing a personal submarine or an entire bathtub made out of one Amazon Rainforest crystal. Yeah, I did the research. Regardless, Miley’s three wedding ceremonies will take place in Los Angeles, Tennessee and Melbourne, Australia.
But Miley said Thursday on “Ellen” that there will be one “perfect” wedding, despite her dad’s dreams. And so far, not many details have been released from her or her father. I don’t know what else is up dad’s sleeve, or which facts are true, but if I were her, I’d go all out and plan each of dad’s planned weddings vastly differently. Fortunately I’m not her, and for the purpose of this post, I’ll act as her (or her dad’s, really) wedding planner. What fun!
Alright Miley, so the first wedding, though you claim there will only be one, will be in Los Angeles. Dad will want to represent your rise to stardom. There’s no better theme than “Hannah Montana.” The decor will be in obnoxiously bright colors. There will be sequins and animal print everywhere, and the showcase piece will be an eight-foot wax statue of Hannah Montana that will talk or sing when anyone walks in front of it. Class. Finger food and Kool-Aid will be served throughout the evening, and the entertainment will consist of Hannah Montana impersonators.
After that we will go to Tennessee, where your roots are. We’re going to take a lot of inspiration from your heritage and embrace the country. All the men will have on cowboy boots and a piece of straw in their mouth. The ladies, on the other hand, will wear the classic fringed jacket and ride tractors down the aisle. A large barn will serve as the setting for the reception, and we’ll be sure to have a keg of moonshine to enjoy while listening to a constant stream of country music. Daddy Billy Ray will sing the first dance song, naturally.
“Daaaad, you’re totally ruining my wedding(s)!!!!”
In Australia, we’ll shine the spotlight on Liam for a while. We’ll avoid the cheesy Australian stereotypes like Kangaroos and focus on the real history. The entire bridal party shall be dressed like criminals that were thrown on the land mass. For the decoration, we’ll keep it bare and simple, with just some repeating stripe patterns and concrete blocks. It’ll be the understated wedding of the three.
Okay, okay. For Miley’s sake, let’s hope either she or her dad have better plans, one wedding or three.